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Why us?? Why did God choose me & my family to go through this? Why did He choose you all?? In light of Joshie's 5th birthday tomorrow, I am happily bittersweet. I am so proud of my boy & how far he has come, how much he has accomplished....but on the other hand, WHY HIM???? He should be out running through the grass on his birthday, playing in the surf....but my son is (happily) cruising around in his walker....because he has CP. It's NOT FAIR!! I'm angry & I'm sad. Does God *really* think I am strong enough to endure all of this.....not to mention my little boy!!!!???? WHY? WHY? WHY? Just when I think I have wrapped my brain around all of this.....a day like this appears out of nowhere. *SIGH* another joy of having a child with special needs.
I'm sorry to be a downer but it's just "one of those days".......perhaps tomorrow will be better but for today.....I will just wonder..............
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9 comments:
Hey Melissa! You sound like me today! Andres cruises around happily in his walker; (while he unfortunately supports himself with his upper-body) but I wonder the same thing. Don't worry, you're not a downer. We all have days like this; They come in waves. Today is today; but tomorrow is going to be a better and different day. I'm sending you a virtual chocolate brownie with tons of nuts on top; with mounds of whipped cream on the very top. (Hope that at least caused a smile)
I'm sending hugs your way, also.
-Angelica
HUGE HUGS!!!!! I *always* get sad on Logen's birthday. I think it's b/c it's like a slap in the face. Bam, I'm 5. And, your right our babies aren't typical, they aren't doing what other 5 y/o's do. I drop Logen off at school daily and notice it. It just sucks. I don't have any great piece of advice or any lovely words to make you feel better, I'm sorry! I 'feel' ya. I hope today is a better day. Let me know if you need anything :) I have something for Joshie, I've been trying to get it in the mail for a week now!
This is the day after you originally posted, Melissa, so I'll start by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEET SWEET JOSHIE!!
And then, I'll second it by sending you some lovin' from a few thousand miles away. I know that there have been several posts on the CP board over the years that center on how hard it is to CELEBRATE our baby's birthdays. It actually makes me feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one who finds birthdays kinda crappy. It makes me feel like a bad mom, because I want to be shouting from the rooftops that my baby is celebrating her birthday, but inside, I feel like puking. It's such a blatant reminder of what we thought our kids would be doing on their 3rd, 4th, 5th (etc) birthdays...
I hope this doesn't sound too terrible, but I think that the "God won't give you more than you can handle" creed is a bunch of bullshit. Not the truth of that statement, but the way people say it in order to COMFORT. It is not comforting to me AT ALL. There is so much crap in this world that people somehow miraculously handle each and every day (turn on the news and you'll see plenty of evidence!). What's the option of NOT handling it? Either going completely loony or killing yourself. Neither of those options are really comforting either! Ugh, I'm getting on a tangent. I just HATE HATE that phrase already!
I guess the bottom line is that yes, we are, without a doubt, all strong enough to handle raising special needs kids because we have no other option. And because we love our kids too much to give up. And I think it just comes down to making a daily choice to get up and conquer the day, face the obstacles, and grow up our babies as well as we know how.
And you are doing that with grace and success, Melissa. You will celebrate Joshie's birthday today because you will choose to carry on and be his cheerleader. THAT, my friend, is how awesome you are.
Love you!
Sorry I'm so late on this one, but I wanted to send you HUGE hugs, Melissa! I'm glad to hear today's a better day but I totally can relate to how you were feeling yesterday. We all can and that's why we're all here, for each other!
Could I be anymore in the same place as you?? I spend EVERY day, not just birthdays, feeling po'd that my son cannot do ANYTHING, never mind typical stuff! I hate that I can't play with my son like I did with Luke...we can't do all of the fun stuff there is to do outside on a summer day because Sam is 33 1/2 lbs. of dead weight and he can't use a walker and i can't hold him. He can't do anything when in his stroller as it straps him in... sorry I am making this worse for you.. just want you to know you are NOT alone AT ALL, girl!! Hugs, and more hugs!!
BTW-- I, too, HATE the saying about God giving us what we can handle...I replied to a friend's forwarded email that was centered around that saying...kind of blew it out of the water!
Ellen
Let me start by saying THANKS for all of the birthday wishes :) Joshie had a great time last night!!
Second, all of you are so unbelievably special to me. I wanted to comment last night but I was in tears after reading all of your comments. It means the WORLD to have all of you in my life....whether it be "IRL" or "cyber-buddies".....I don't know how I could go on without all of you. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
(Oh & Angelica....that virtual chocolate brownie helped too ;)
-Melissa
I am late posting this, but I wanted to say I am right there with you Melissa and everyone on here. I also know how you all are feeling. With our son, he does not 'look' as handicap as he is. He does have a lot of trouble with fine motor skills in his right hand, but a ton of his problem is inside his little brain. Sometimes I wonder if I will have the strength to explain his story another time to someone and why he can't understand what they are saying to him. Why it takes him so long to respond, because his thinking and comprehension is so delayed due to part of his brain being dead, for lack of a better word. I wonder often why God chose his dad and I for our little angel. And through his almost 10 years the wonder about 'why' has not gone away and probably never will. I, as do the rest of the wonderful women on this blog, do understand. Even though we will probably never understand the 'whys', I really feel like the support I find here with you ladies, makes it a whole lot easier to deal with. You all are wonderful!
Birthdays are the worst! Around Avery's 3rd b-day I was so depressed I couldn't stand it. I feel angry a lot that Avery can't get around on her own and in general feel sad a lot about the situation. The worst is she has started saying "I can't do it" when she tries to jump, get up, crawl, ect.. and it breaks my heart.
About the saying God doesn't give you more than you can handle I want to scream when I hear that. I think it's just something other people say to make themselves feel better about your situation. I have a friend who has said that to me many times followed by I know I couldn't handle it. OK so somehow since I supposedly could handle it my poor daughter is disabled and because she couldn't handle it than her son is healthy. Makes a ton of sense. When people say that too me I usually say "what are my other choices besides handleing it?" Then I point out that there are lots of examples of people being given more than they can handle, for example all those people that commit sucicide everyday. Apparently they were given more than they could handle. Anyway I went off on a tangent there...sorry:)
I don't have any encouraging words for you except that I too know exactly how you feel. I'm feeling a little better now that her birthday is a month and a half behind me so hopefully you will too.
Niki
Talk about late to the party... it's been crazy for us lately and I am finally trying to catch up with my personal stuff. Happy very belated birthday to your big man. Now, I have only had to "celebrate" one birthday and I hated it. I hated not feeling the genuine joy that he is growing and older. As he tipped over out of his chair whilst eating cake and screaming in the living room because I had left him stranded on the floor and he couldn't get rolled over. There are many many days that I feel like I can't do this. I've only been at this such a short short time but I have those feelings a lot. I can't do it and I don't want him to HAVE to do it :( I want him to go to soccer practice, not physical therapy :( I worry that I won't be strong enough to be there for him. But in the end, a new day dawns and you realize, there isn't a choice. You take each day, each hour, each minute, each moment at a time and do the best you can with it. We make it through and sometimes we probably wonder HOW we made it through but we do. And you will and I know that. And then we come here and talk about it :) And I hope to be around more and be able to share more highs and lows with everyone. Because there are both. Lots and lots of both. You're doing great and you WILL do great!! He's a lucky lucky boy, because he DOES have you :) Lots of love, I hope it's been better since you posted :)
Kristi
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